Why do we dislike people? Ill treatment or attributes?

On what basis do we dislike someone? Is it based on common interests, goals, ideology, or background?

Over the due course of years, I have realized that I generally end up liking people who are kind to me and dislike people who are not kind to me naturally. Hence, I have learnt the lesson that making a mental list of ideal attributes is a redundant exercise.

Do note, that liking someone and being friends with someone is different, and vice-versa, disliking someone and not being friends with them is also different. You form natural connections of friendship with people with whom you either have common interests or common goals. But if you don’t have common goals or interests, it doesn’t mean that you dislike them.

We befriend people with common goals or common interests, while at the same time have many differences with them. If those differences lead either of us to ill-treat the other, only then is there a some disliking or the probability of not being friends anymore.

Intolerance to difference become more prominent when in closer relationships, when it’s with people who are more than acquaintances, perhaps best friends or lovers. But even then, its not that they dislike spirituality and you are very spiritual (ideological differences) that causes problems. It’s when one of them starts ill-treating the other because of such differences when the problem occurs. There would be a case of harmony when no one is ill treating the other due to such differences.

When I dislike someone, and someone asks me why, I often explain it as “they’re too dumb”, or “they’re too spoilt” etc. Later, I find myself enjoying the company of people who are dumb or spoilt, and then the conflict comes up “but didn’t I not like spoilt/dumb people”?

The answer is that I disliked the person in the first place because they ill treated me. Perhaps they were rude or judgmental. And to cope with that victim feeling, I told myself that they are “not good” for they are not focussed or are spoilt etc etc. So the point is that we dislike people who ill treat us, not because of their personal tastes and preferences. Later, as we go on using this coping mechanism, we forget that it was just a coping mechanism in the first place and feel confused when we come across people who have those attributes (ones we thought we were uncomfortable with) but get along with them.

So you dislike someone not because of their attributes, because you may be friends with or like a lot of people with the same attributes. You dislike them because of their unkindness or ill-treatment.

Hence, we must learn to correctly attribute the reason why we dislike someone. At the same time, we need to be careful to not dislike someone because of their attributes, because tomorrow we might find someone with the same attributes who we really enjoy being friends with.

Summary:

Like someone- because of their kindness

Friendship- common goals or interests + kindness

Dislike- unkindness, ill-treatment

Not friends with them- lack of common interests/goals or dislike ( due to ill-treatment)