My last article on checklists- here
Many blogs, relationship gurus, counseling websites etc advice their clients to make a list of all the attributes/qualities they want in their partner ideally so as to be able to visualize this partner and attract him/her into their lives.
You may get excited when you meet someone new thinking that they are the perfect person for you because at that moment you think that they fulfill all the parameters on your list. However, this can be messed up and blow in your face if you rely too much on this list. Things like putting too much pressure on this person to reciprocate his/her feelings to you as excitedly, overlooking their flaws that you’re actually not okay with, coming off as too clingy etc can happen. You may stick to them despite a lot going wrong with the relationship only because they fulfill your list. Hence, following are the precautions that one must be careful of while using the list:
- Feelings and intuition come before the list. This person may fulfill your list of ideal attributes but you may get an off vibe from them and still continue seeing them only because of this list. You may not even actually like them but just be pushing yourself to because of the list. Ask yourself, are you naturally attracted to them or is it just because of the list that you’re pursuing them? Trust your instinct and inner voice more than the list because of the following point.
- He/she may not actually be your list. You don’t know this person long enough to confirm that they actually fulfill all the parameters that you have on your list. They can be easily pretending to appear like that or you’ve not known them long enough to tell who they really are. It takes at least a few months to know the basics of someone’s behavior.
- The list evolves with time once you get to know yourself more (especially if you’re at a developmental/adolescent stage), what you truly require from a partner etc. The list isn’t absolute and hence sometimes it can be wrong. It’s more of a hit and trial thing that you understand by experience. Also, a person is much more than a list. You may meet someone who does not exactly match your list but the relationship is great for the both of you! In this case, you can’t stick to their flaws and reject them, can you?
- Are you their list? Someone might fulfill your ideal criteria but you may not fulfill theirs. This rejection can be hard to deal with.
Finally, the list is just a roadmap of the basic qualities/values you would want in your future partner, and just a reference. There are many other factors go into figuring out if someone is right for you or not. If you are relying too much on the list, that means you don’t trust your own intuition or that you’re not over your past negative experiences. So it’s time to forgive the past so you can trust your judgement again!